| Tinkerbell my winged friend... |
[
April 14th, 2008 ï 6:42pm
] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 anxious |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Blood is Blood // Nerina Pallot |
] |
I think we got it wrong.
Well, 2 going on 3 months here in the good ol sunshine state. Everything has been pretty rocky. I think once i start this job [which i got a MONTH ago..] everything will be ok. I know it will, it's pretty much logic on my part. Once i get money, and the chance to interact with people i will feel so much more myself. I will have much more responsibility and will to get things done.
I don't think he understands that the reason i don't get up at 7:00 in the morning, is that there is no reason or drive too. I mean, if you knew you just were going to wake up in the morning to a day of cleaning and making food by yourself, would you really want to get up until you felt like it? Also, i have no car, no understanding of the bus system, and i don't know where the heck i'm going. Even if i did, where would i want to go? Somewhere else where i don't know anyone? I think it's hard for him to understand, because he thinks he knows everything so anything that's the opposite of what he knows, is unfathomable.
I just want to bad to grow and travel and experience things for myself. I want to prove to myself and to everyone i know that i can do this, because i know i can. It just starts with this job. And i can't start until i have my diploma ( i JUST figured out..), so i'm waiting for that. But i just want everything to not be so HECTIC as it is right now, to not feel guilty over something that i'm trying so hard to achieve.
Things will come in due time. Everything will be well.
I know. :)
|
| PRESSURE. |
[
March 4th, 2008 ï 8:21pm
] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 rejected |
] |
In Orlando.
TAA-DA!
This past month has been...something. Not in a bad way! I just haven't been as active as i wish, i haven't been able to try out the theatres...My life basically depends on me getting a job right now. And if i don't in 3 months...well it's back to Cali for me.
This sucks. I moved, gave up my life where everything i wanted was, just to find out if i don't bring in the dough in 3 months, i'm out on my ass. It just puts pressure on me..i mean, i'm really trying to find a job right now and the last time i was on a job hunt it took me 3 months to get one! But i mean, what if i fail? What if i need that one extra month to get the right job? I could have had a job. A really really crappy one, but i would have had it. They wanted to pay me $8.00 at this office [a branch of my job at TA] when i got paid $10.00 when i left, and i was a supervisor. And btw, when i started that job 7 months ago, i got paid $8.75.
SUCKAH PLEASE. :\
But whatev, if this doesn't work at the end of 3 months, i'll just try for that job. Even though i hate being a recruiter. IT SUCKS SO BAD.
Anywayyy, that's my deal. I felt really horrible and pressured and betrayed at the beginning of this post....i feel like i'm losing HIM. My best friend. Not in a bad way, but not in a good way either...but i feel better. I know i can get a job soon. I have more to say, but i'll post lataaaas.
PEACE MY LOVERS.
|
| i always arrive late at the office, but i make up for it by leaving early.... >] |
[
January 23rd, 2008 ï 3:16pm
] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
anxious |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
I'll Be // Edwin McCain |
] |
Long day.
I'm eating the other half of my bagel... i saved it for lunch. yayyyy.
it's gone now. :(
Don't worry, i starve myself for a good cause.
..and because my bank account still won't let me get to my damn money.
arghhh.
Well, danny is back in town && it sucks. Whenever he's around me and laughing or talking it just makes me think && i get depressed and i hate him all over again.
I don't think i could ever really HATE him, but i loath the presense he brings.
&& i miss my baby. :( it really sucks not having him here whenever someone or something brings me down. But when ever i talk to him, he always makes me feel better.
& i can't help but laugh. <33
soooo yeah, i have an awesome best friend...slash boyfriend. slash dork-tard.
Ninja bastard who is sshmexy.
xD
these last 4 days are going to be jam-packed with emotions a-ragin, i'm tellin you.
especially monday.
i know my sister/dad are going to grill me really bad.
& it's gonna suck, because i know i'm going to end up crying out of fusteration at the dinner table.
Anyway, i have to get back to work.
Peacers. :]
|
| the drugs can have my mind love. <3 |
[
January 13th, 2008 ï 9:39pm
] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 pessimistic |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Baby Girl, I'm A Blur // Say Anything |
] |
Today was a bad day.
A really bad day.
I haven't cried like that in a lonnng time.
I can't believe how much of a failure i am.
I'm not a good girlfriend.
I'm not a good friend.
I'm not really good at anything.
I feel like Noriko from From Far Away. She feels useless and feels like she can't do anything right, but she tries, even with little things.
But i feel like even the little things i do aren't noticed.
Their useless, just like me.
I just wish...
I wish i was a better person. I wish i wasn't the bitch i appear to be. I wish he could actually understand where i'm coming from. I wish he knew that i'm fragile, but i'm trying so hard to be strong. I wish he knew that i do listen to him when he tries to explain to me what he thinks i should do. I wish he would listen to me. i wish he wouldn't force his theory's and standings down my throat. I wish he could see from my point of view and understand i can't take away the concern for the people i love. I can't abandon what i know, what i always automatically do. I can't not stick up for people i love. I can't be ordered around.
Maybe i should be submissive.
Maybe i should do whatever the fuck he wants. Not have a care or feeling in my body about anybody or anything.
Because that's what your practically asking of me. To fuck everyone else over.
I don't want to turn into Krissy or Gen. I want you to love me like you say you do.
I don't want to fuck and fight. I want be a good girlfriend to you, not just a face from the past.
I want to love you right. Like i always have & always will.
I want to be the one you want to stick around. I want you to want to keep me. I want you to want to never leave me.
I don't want to be another notch on your bedpost.
I know you're falling out of love with me. You're starting to hate who i am.
I hate who i am, why did i try and convince myself you wouldn't do the same?
I've been lying to myself.
You've been lying to me.
Why did i try and think i could actually make you stick around? Why did i think you actually wanted me?
I'm losing you and it's killing me, more then anything else ever has.
You keep building me up, making me believe i'm a good person and that i'm a good girlfriend to you, but then those words that begin your every crushing scentence.. " maybe we shouldn't.." kills every good feeling i ever had about myself.
About you loving me.
Completely demolished.
I want to take care of you. I want you to trust me. I want to stop hurting you.
But in order for me to do that, your asking me to hurt other people around me.
To hurt my other best friend.
And you don't understand how torn i am.
I love you so much, you'll never know.
I don't know what to do.
I can't give you up.
You're one of the greatest things that has happened to me.
Please don't let me turn into Gen or Krissy.
I want to be better then them.
I want you to love me more then you ever loved them, that's selfish i know & that's asking for alot.
i mean, alot, considering who I am.
But i can't force you to love who i am.
I can only work on myself.
I should be submissive. I should shut my mouth, bow my head, and follow orders.
I'm sorry.
I wish i knew how to fix me.
I know i'm going to lose you.
and that sucks.
that fucking sucks.
I hate me.
|
| To my dear, dear Ashley(twin): |
[
January 12th, 2008 ï 1:07pm
] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 depressed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Hurt -- Nine Inch Nails |
] |
if you ran to the end of the earth
i would catch you and you would be safe
if you fell down the well
i would bring you a rope and take all the pain
all the pain, all the pain
that you hide from me everyday
if youre missing i will run away
i will build a path to you
if you're missing i will run away
because I find myself in you
if i woke up alone i won't stop till i'll find you and you are with me
cause by now, i know you better than you know yourself
and i know what you really need
what you need, or i need
but either way this is where you should be
here with me, or ill bleed so much that you wont believe
if you're missing i will run away
i will build a path to you
if you're missing i will run away
because I find myself in you
you better not, you better not run
you better not, you better not run
if you're missing i will run away
i will build a path to you
if you're missing i will run away
i will find you
i will find you
i will find you
-------------------
Please run
Please run
Please run away with me
Please come
Please come
Please come and stay with me
I don't know what to do if
once more I lose you.
It would tear me in two
if you should go right now.
If you should go right now..
If you should go right now. .
Please run
Please run
Please run away with me
Please come
Please come
Please come and stay with me
I don't know what to do if
once more I lost you.
It would tear me in two
if you should go right now.
[I slit this cut and the black expanded the sky]
if you should go right now.
[The light bleeds out before my jaded eyes.]
if you should go right now...
[you'll be safer with us. <3 run away with me.]
|
| >>Miss you, Love you<< |
[
January 11th, 2008 ï 4:58pm
] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
anxious |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
About Falling--Say Anything |
] |
In the office.
This past week has been crazy chock full of high-strung emotions.
So, in case you didn't know...
I'm moving.
Soon.
The more i think about the due date the more I think about all the people I love, and what boring little San Jose has brought me.
& it's suddenly hitting me i'm actually leaving and i can't just hang out and crash at my friend's house for months and have the option of just going home.
I'm going to be starting new.
I'm going somewhere where hardly anyone knows me.
I'll have to time to work on 'me'.
& that is the most exciting thing.
Then again, that is some really scary shit.
So, in conclusion of this chapter of my story..
if you want to hang out with me before i leave,
i would love it. <3
|
| *left behind these empty walls* |
[
January 7th, 2008 ï 6:39pm
] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 lethargic |
] |
I'm dying here.
Does no one realize that?
Does no one care how i feel anymore? Or have i seemed to selfish lately?
Does my acute pain just seem as a big outlandish lie?
I can't seem to catch a break.
I need to find myself again.
My friends are so mad at me that all i can do is stutter and say "what happened". I never intentionally said:
"You know what's my number. 1 on my list of things to do today?? fuck over my friendships."
They can't seem to look past their rituals and rules to see how fucked up i am. I'm getting depressed over how i'm losing my friends.
About my weight.
My job.
My family.
My ex-boyfriend.
My best friend (the one i'm always in contact with).
This guy I love.
All these things in the past 5 months have slowly been taking over me.
I'm still me...
but not the person i want to be.
&& this fool.
He's works so hard and it gets me so fusterated that he never takes a break for himself.
I know he's trying to be my Superman.
But Superman lost alot because he didn't take time off for himself every once in a while.
I just want you to relax, babe.
Just have a day to do somthing you haven't gotten to do in a long time.
If you're doing all this for us, just do this one thing for me.
please, it worries me to death.
I feel dizzy.
I'm going to go lie down in the back.
<3
P.S.
Thanks.
|
| I should be working (naughty) |
[
January 6th, 2008 ï 6:30pm
] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 dorky |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
These Days Are Dark --- Harry and The Potters |
] |
RULES:
1.) Put your music player on shuffle
2.) Press forward for each question
3.) Use the song title as the answer
4.) NO CHEATING!!! What you get is what you get!
1) How am I feeling today?
Beyond The Sea - Ewan Mcgregor/Cameron Diaz
>Missing my lover. :( he's farther away.
2) Where will I get married?
Losing My Mind - Maroon 5
> i might not even get married..unless he fights for me. <3
3) What is my best friend’s theme song?
Silence is Easy - Starsailor
>"Everybody says that they're looking for a shelter/Got a lot to give
But I don't know how to help her/ I should just let it go
'Til they learn how to grow/And how to liberate"
- - - --
I need to leave in order for her to grow..i assume.
4) What is/was high school like?
Because of You - Ne-Yo
> A crazy sex party i couldn't stop.
Well..just in the theatre. <3
5) What is the best thing about me?
For You I Will [Confidence] - Teddy Gieger
> . . . i inspire confidence?
6)How is today going to be?
Bad Fish - Sublime
> well the rest of my day is going to be laid back..[winkwink] cause this song is so laid back,
it's crazy.
7) What is in store for this weekend?
Skeptics And True Believers - The Academy Is...
> some reflection time. or fighting with danny.
8) What song describes my parents?
Barbie Girl - Aqua
>Obvlious. Because another description would be disgusting and inaccurate.
9) How is my life going?
The Runaway - Something Corporate
> . . . i'm not running away, i'm moving.
Toward something to better myself, to someone awesome <3
and he does know what i really need.
10) What song will they play at my funeral?
The Futile - Say Anything
> YEAH!
"Eat, sleep, fuck and flee; in four words, that's me/I am full of indifference.
What do the old people teach us but how to die (die) die (die)/ and what do those hissy fits teach you except how to cry, pussy, cry?
Yea the futile, the futile, it outweighs the beautiful.
Futile, the futile, it outweighs the beautiful.
Futile, the futile, the futile so (the futile, the futile)"
- - - --
Something against the grain. <3
11) How does the world see me?
Daughter - Vienna Teng
>"Did you know you're so beautiful
On the edge of summer
That years from now
I'll cry to remember
How very close you were
Knowing this will I reach for you
Knowing this will I reach for you
The way you want me to"
----------
...They will remember me in some way??
12) What do my friends really think of me?
Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Straight Edge - Head Automatica
>"She's got the anger of a suffragette but she's crying a river
She's got the smile of a side show clown but she stands and delivers
...
Maybe you can help me, I am looking for someone to dance with
Baby can't you help me, you know I hate dancing by myself "
--------------
I'm someone to dance with?
13) Do people secretly lust after me?
Popular - Wicked
> i guess not... if someone has to try and make me popular
14) How can I make myself happy?
Drops Of Jupiter [Acoustic] - Train
> Being with the one i love + traveling. <3
15) What should I do with my life?
Love Song - Sara Bareilles
> Don't do things just because people say so.
16) Will I ever have children?
All For The Best - Godspell
> ...it will seem like i can't for a while, but then things will look up?
17) What is some good advice?
Luna Lovegood is OK - Harry And The Potters
> ...luna lovegood is ok.
18) What do I think my current theme song is?
Prepare Ye The Way Of The Lord - Godspell
> ..not so much.
19) What does everyone else think my current theme song is?
I Got Trouble - Christina Aguilera
> yes. i do.
20) What type of men/women do you like?
Marry The Man Today - Guys & Dolls
> the marrying kind. supposedly.
21) Will you get married?
Never Lose Your Sense of Wonder - Yeti
>"Love is the key
And only love will set you free
Its all yours now, everything that you need"
----
Yes? :D
22) What should I do with my love life?
This Ain't A Scene, It's An Arm Race - Fall Out Boy
>"Sing, until your lungs give out"
24) Where will you live?
Never Again - Kelly Clarkson
> not with that jerk- off.
25) What will your dying words be?
Song For A Friend - Jason Mraz
>"Keep on keeping it real
Cause it keeps getting easier indeed
He's the reason that I'm laughing
Even if there's no one else
He said, you've got to love yourself"
26) How’s your day going so far?
Somewhere That's Green - Kerry Butler/Little Shop Of Horrors
>dreamy.
27) How’s your love life?
Until The End Of Time - Justin Timberlake feat. The Benjamin Wright Orchestra
>"Woke up this morning
Heard the TV sayin' something
'Bout disaster in the world and
It made me wonder where I'm going
There's so much darkness in the world
But I see beauty left in you girl
And what you give me makes me know
That I'll be alright
Because if your love was all I had
In this life
Well that would be enough
Until the end of time
So rest your weary heart
And relax your mind
Cause I'm gonna love you girl
Until the end of time
...
Now if you're ever wondering
About the way I'm feeling
Well baby girl there ain't no question
Just to be around you is a blessing
Sick and tired of trying to save the world
I just want to spend my time with you girl
And what you're giving me
Makes me know that we'll be alright. "
--------
sweet. <3
|
| Two weeks & We Caught On Fire |
[
January 6th, 2008 ï 5:25pm
] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 crazy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Paramore//Misery Buisness |
] |
I'm working right now.
I didn't know we had LJ! SCORE.
Things have been...hectic.
HAHA, a second ago i knew what i was going to write and about who and what.
Now there's just too much to write. Ok ok, i know how this is going to work.
This is about the guy i love.
but the summary so far:
-After ricky, got an older boyfriend..with my best friend. That didn't work out too well
-I'm moving
-haven't been to school
-been living in odd places
-hardly able to keep in touch with my friends [especially my trio] and it sucks so hard...because every mistake i made is bigger then the last one and they are never intentional.
So, back to this guy.
He's at his conference right now..
AND I'M DYING.
i didn't realize this until now, but he is my rock. my everything.
Going 3 days so far and i've only been in contact with him twice. It's driving me up the wall.
I just want to scream myself hoarse, throw myself off a cliff, and drown.
Well, i don't want to kill myself, but it practically feels like my soul's being ripped in half.
How is he?
Is he having fun? Is he laughing? Is he making new friends? Is he doing well in his new buisness?
Because i want him to succeed. And i know if i whine like a little baby to him and say how much i miss him and i want him to come back, he'll just explain that he's doing it for us.
[but i still feel selfish because i still want him to be here with me. :P]
But i want him to do this for himself.
I want him to build courage and to try new things with new people, get new friends, and feel comfortable in this. For people not to disregard how he feels about it. It's important to him, believe in him!
I love him.
And alot of the time i feel insecure about he really feels because that's my automatic reaction when anybody shows any positive emotion towards me.
It's just hard to over-come.
But i don't want to jinx anything so i won't say all the good and giddy emotions i feel, and all the things i wish would happen.
I just want him to know how important he is to me, how much i love him, miss him, believe in him, and support everything he does.
I love you Go_chan.
<3 Pan_chan
|
| I've fallen victim to my greatest fear. |
[
July 20th, 2007 ï 3:19pm
] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 crushed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Please Don't Tell Her---Jason Mraz |
] |
i hate feeling this way.
i wish i could just move on and make this pain go away.
i wish i could find someone who will love me for who i am & won't break up with me because i'm not perfect.
It sucks staying at home because then i can feel everything.
& It swallows me up.
I need to be out with friends to distract me so i don't feel this anymore.
I want to go back alot.
But i can't. Because i'll just be hurt again.
& no one really wants me back in the end anyway.
"I want to be where nobody knows me
I'll be behind the perfect disguise
I'll drive away, i'll dissapear
I want to be anywhere, but here
Spring-time, ever changing
My life's re-arranging
So it seems i'm going down now
Tears fall on the ash, my heart's fading fast"
-My Favorite Highway, Calendar Marks
|
| [This welcome is gone] |
[
July 4th, 2007 ï 1:45am
] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 drained |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Can't take it---All-American Rejects |
] |
i've lost myself.
I don't really feel anymore.
my life is a blur of nothing.
everything is passing and it's hard to emerge when i'm stuck in this room.
& I can't get out because no one has the key.
i have to mold one myself.
& it's talking forever. Too long.
I hurt somedays. and i don't know i do.
So i don't tell anyone, even when i know i do.
I know i can change myself for the better. I mean, i am. But i need money to do so.
My job is going down the drain. I can't be there anymore. But i need the money. It's just a negative place to be.
I'm not really complaining. I'm just running into this realization.
I don't know what this ramble is really about.
I'm reverting back to my 10-year old 100xmore-insecure-then-i-am-now self.
where everyone thinks i'm annoying and no one wants to be my friend.
& i'm alone.
I'm blessed to have the people i have in my life...
but in the end of most of my days,
i feel useless. And not wanted. Un-necessary.
:\ Think im just being emo?
i don't know.
I'm happy. Yet..when im alone, if i think...i know im not in the right place in my life.
But then again. I am.
I'm just one conflicted fuck up.
That's me. <3
|
| You suck at life. |
[
June 5th, 2007 ï 11:47pm
] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 angry |
] |
i'm seriously gonna choke someone.
a specific someone.
& thats because that person OD&ridiculous.
i hate it.
grow some balls.
|
| And I can't get to you, can't get to you, can't get to you... |
[
June 4th, 2007 ï 12:57am
] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 melancholy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Alive with the Glory of Love---Say Anything |
] |
I'm torn.
It's like im being pull in 3 different directions.
I don't want to do this.
don't don't don't don't.
i don't think i will.
But then again, i might. It hurts too much.
Its too much indecision but then again, it's straight forward.
Im just too conflicted. I want to sit down, and listen to some of my KISA.
Damsels in Success.
fuck yes. <3
|
| Closed for Renovation |
[
April 25th, 2007 ï 12:45am
] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 sore |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
I'm A Bitch For You // Ima Robot |
] |
I don't even know how tired i am.
My body hurts and is giving off these weird heart & stomach cramps, yet i'm still online.
:\ i'm going to sleep after this post.
I'm sorry to my friends. I've been reallllllllly busy these past few weeks and haven't had any time to contact you or just simply hang out with you. And i'm going to China on thursday & im missing jackie's berfday so i feel bad. :( I'm sorry my jack lover.
This cough is getting bad. :[
My cell is exsistant again. call me. [go_chan! leave your number! deck.]
Uhm. I feel really Icky.
I think i ought to go to bed.
Night loves.
|
| gone, gone, gone. |
[
April 8th, 2007 ï 12:44am
] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 aggravated |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
EMOOOOOOOOOO |
] |
we can be friends.
just not now.
|
| You don't know me, & you don't even care. |
[
April 6th, 2007 ï 9:08pm
] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
angry |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Irreplaceable///Beyonce |
] |
All those words you said.
SHIT.
shitshitshitshitshitshit.
You never cared, but you can go ahead and keep convincing yourself that.
Let me describe someone who cares about me. They would be upset if i left. I would have had a some kind of importance in their life. They would have cared. period.
You cant just MOVE ON from someone you care about. Even a friend. To tell you bluntly, you dont know how to care enough about people. It's always about you.
I admit, you are a kind person. & you do care a little, but the more you lie about how much you care, the more people you hurt with your bullshit.
You act so nonchalant, like this is what's right, and your so over me, when today, you were playing up your part. You were acting like you cared. Like you wouldn't want to leave me.
I was right in breaking up with you, YES I DID, NOT YOU. You can't take credit. I said i wanted to break up today, and it was me.
I'm hurt. Because, obviously, i cared. Even if you didn't think i showed it enough. I thought you saw it in the little things. Because i was right. I knew if i put my heart on my sleeve, it would just end up being crushed by your "your not that important, i'm moving on."
STOP FUCKING LYING TO ME. STOP MAKING IT FUCKING SEEM LIKE YOUR THE FUCKING BIGGER PERSON BY LETTING ME GO. STOP MAKING IT SEEM LIKE IM THE ONLY ONE WHO CARED, LIKE YOU ARE THE SAINT HELPING ME GET OVER YOU.
I don't even want to be your friend right now.
I thought i did.
But the shit that comes out of your mouth makes you seem more of a bad friend as well as a boyfriend.
Stop thinking your the fucking shit and you have this HUGE effect on me.
I'm hurt because you lied. YOU LIED. you never cared as much as you said. Because in the end i thought i could trust you to feel something. Instead of lust.
Mainly, im just mad because you seem like your above all this. relationships and whatnot, as if i shouldnt be hurting at how cold you are. You can't just say what you said to me to someone and not expect them to be hurt. I didn't love you. I couldn't. I was happy with liking, adoring you. And of course it hurt when i broke up with you. because i cared. and i didnt want to do this so soon. But i didn't love you.
So stop making it seem like i am desperate for you back. I'm content. I'm just hurt at how cold you are.
& about the sex? you know you were a jackass on that.
You are a good person. You are. Your not the greatest at friendships, and relationships...you judge me, yet i've never judged your past actions. I've accepted you as a person, no matter what you've said to me about what kind of person i am.
& I'm angry as hell at you for everything you say, because i know it isn't fair, but i know your a really good person, and i'll try to forget the memories as you have, carelessly throwing them away just so you can move on, even though it's obvious you have nothing to move on from...
I can forgive you. Eventually. But you weren't the best boyfriend. You tried to make me happy in a good, but in the end, wrong way. It rang true and honest at first, but it feels like i was just deaf, and it had a bitter sound & feeling to it the whole time. And i thought i made you happy. I was wrong. So i am also at fault for being not the best girlfriend. But forgive me for not wearing my heart on my sleeve as i have. I knew what would happen. & i let it. I didn't want to expose my whole self, my heart to you, when i knew you were just going to end up forgetting about our relationship. Things we shared. Jokes we made. I didn't think it was worth it, because you were just going to throw it all away in the end, no matter how long we we're together.
Im mad. Plain and simple. It hurts. Not as much as you think it does, sorry to deflate your ego.
But your not going to have that satisfaction either way.
Because im stronger than you. I'm more mature. I know how feelings should be dealt with.
Your not worth tears our non-exsistant relationship isnt worth tears, so there's no point in crying over something that wasn't real.
I know im the bigger person here. And no matter how you try to make your attempts to 'make me feel better', its all bullshit.
You don't need me. I don't need you. End of story.
I don't want to be 'girlfriend' to you anymore.
I want to be plain me. Be myself again.
Your still my friend, but not right now.
I don't need your help.
I have real friends. Who actually care about me.
Go fuck yourself.
(in the nicest way possible)
|
| I'll see you around. |
[
April 3rd, 2007 ï 7:28pm
] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
anxious |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Honestly//Cartel |
] |
Uhm.
...i'm not going to say it yet for fear of it not happening.
But today was pretty eventful. It was really just nicoke driving me around the WHOLE day to get shit done. I really appreciate her as a friend, because she really is a kind of person who is there for you and won't outright complain about it but joke around. Thank you soooooooooo much for helping me out so much. :) you and your mom. I really appreciate every single thing that you do for me.
I feel a little better about my situation in life.
:D thanks jackie for the heads up. <3 you.
& Thanks Go_chan for your sweet lovin. ;D
P.S.,
I have the most adorable nephew ever.
|
| i'll remember you. |
[
April 1st, 2007 ï 9:19pm
] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 determined |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Live on Craig Kilborn--Nick Swardson |
] |
Life has been twist & turn lately.
I'm starting to think of how i can improve myself and become a stronger person. For my friends and for myself...
School is always way too complicated for me. Especially college because i only have a few years to figure out my life, my back up plan, and keep focus and make sure that everything goes as planned. But with theatre, it's never a sure thing because there are so many new and exciting things that come up. Theatre is never the same & thats why i love it. But im scared of failing at life.
& I'm fusterated with school also because of china. 90% of me hopes i didn't get that scholarship. Just because i couldn't get my passport in time. Apr.5 is on thur, I wont have time. I just don't like letting Fred down. Or myself. I thought i could pull it off, but i fell into a slump & i couldnt pressure my parents, what with the move and everything. I love Nicoke. (I LOVEEE YOU WHORE.) She offered to help me pay for my passport. Have fun in china biatch. =] wish i could have gone.
But i also love living it. I'm trying to have more to do. I need to get my license but i hate bothering people for favors. Because then i seem ungrateful to myself. & my parents aren't unrealiable, it's just i know they can't concern themselves with my problems. & when my mom does concern herself its more of making me feel more like a shithead because she makes me feel like i do everything wrong. & i've been job searching really hard these past few months & just recently she started to bitch at me for not looking for jobs when she doesnt even know what i do half the time [which i don
t mind because it gives me less of mother-induced headaches.]
I dont know why i'm ranting so much. Life is pretty swell. I'm just stressed as any normal human being. But i'm also having the time of my life. Which is good.
I want to say sorry to Go-chan. I haven't been there and i know i should have been.
I love you & i know i need to be more of a friend for you. (&alover.haha.maybe.no! x])
I know we both live on two different sides of time, but that doesnt mean i don't love you less than i did 4 years ago.. :D or 7. 6. how long we've known each other.
I guess that's my life. ish. some parts of it.
my sister's calling. i must go.
|
|
[
March 17th, 2007 ï 3:20pm
] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 full |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Feed me (git it) -- Little Shop of Horrors |
] |
|
| Fantasmic+ Orgasmic...?? Yeh. I think so. |
[
March 1st, 2007 ï 12:16am
] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 hopeful |
] |
Then come down & see my show!!!
I will be playing a woman. I can't reveal her name yet!!...i dont think. Anyways, please come!!! It will be....
March 21-23 [Wed, Thur, Fri]
8pm
Ohlone College, Nummi Theatre
$8 (pretty cheap!)
Please come & support me in my first show that im acting in! My bit is HIGHLARIOUS, i assure you. The other pieces are great as well!!!
If you are coming like the great person you are, & you don't where ohlone college is, ask me for directions & i will help you.
Thanks! Tell me if your going and what night!
I LOVE YOU ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL. <3
|
| &imbored. |
[
February 17th, 2007 ï 11:24pm
] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 annoyed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Age of Aquarious & Sunshine - - - Hair |
] |
If you reached the top of Mount Everest, you would scream:
Song: 3 small words
Artist: Joise & The Pussycats
Comment: haha because i want to defeat the purpose of screaming, so i say 3 small words.
The next time you stand up in front of a group of people, you'll say:
Song: Everything
Artist: Alanis Morissette
Comment: Because i can, bitches.
Your favorite thing to say when drunk is:
Song: Being Stabbed & Funeral
Artist: Nick Swardson
Comment: HAHA. Because im that paranoid. Of getting stabbed. & i love to plan my funeral when drunk.
Your message to the world:
Song: Chop me up
Artist: Justin Timberlake feat Timbaland & Three-6 Mafia
Comment: I'm a sly devil. >)
When you think of your best friend you think:
Song: Spin Around
Artist: Josie & The Pussycats
Comment: Because she's all over the place. & we're in this together. =)
Your deepest secret:
Song: This Modern Love
Artist: Bloc Party
Comment: I easily have ADD.
Your innermost desire:
Song: Punkass/Are you out of your mind
Artist: Dane Cook
Comment: To recieve that quote...
"ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND?!"
because i will be out of my fucking mind.
Your oldest memory makes you think:
Song: Beware The Jub Jub Bird And Shun The Frumious Bandersnatch
Artist: Forgive Durden
Comment: Wow. This song feels ancient to me too.
Somewhere in your wedding vows, you'll include:
Song: You Lot
Artist: Orbital
Comment: Oh, gosh yes. My husband will be a tinge upset because he knows my love for eccleston but i have to hear him on my wedding day...! o.0
On your deathbed, you'll whisper:
Song: More than a love song
Artist: Augstana
Comment: "What can I say? I miss your eyes, nothing more.
What can a love song provide?
Nothing more.."
I'll miss you all dearly...nothing more.
Your friends say behind your back:
Song: The Invisible Man
Artist: The Aquabats
Comment: ...they dont even remember me..
._.
You say behind your friends' backs:
Song: I Constantly Thank God For Estaban
Artist: Panic! At The Disco
Comment: They are all a bunch of sinners!!! DAMN THE DEVIL! DAMN THE DEVIL TO HELL!
Your opinion of MySpace:
Song: Once Upon a Time
Artist: Brooklyn The Musical
Comment: Once upon a time...it was a magical place. Now it's filled with 15 year old hookers & myspace addicts.
When you wake up in the morning, you mutter:
Song: The Money Song
Artist: Avenue Q
Comment: Yeah. Cause im homeless & i need money but then it turns it turns into a fundraiser for freekin monsters.
If you found yourself lost on a desert island, you'd yell:
Song: Day & Night
Artist: Billie Piper
Comment: Because it's so tedious..day&night, night&day...always the same..
Right now, your feelings are:
Song: Your Song
Artist: Ewan Mcgregor
Comment: IM FEELIN TEH EWAN!! (oh my love...<33)
What's your excuse for reposting this:
Song: Storm
Artist: Lifehouse
Comment: uhm...because if i do..
"I will walk on water, & you will catch me if i fall.."
Your life's soundtrack:
Song: Once Upon a December
Artist: Anastasia
Comment: Because my life is magical like that.. :)
The day you fall in love will be the day that:
Song: Broken Man
Artist: Boys like girls
Comment: that i finally became myself & i learned to love again
You scream during sex:
Song: Thanks for the Memories
Artist: Fall Out Boy
Comment: HAHAHAHHAHAHA. yeah...*cough*..thanks?
"Thanks for the memories, even though they weren't so great."
Your farewell message to the readers of this:
Song: Lost Without you
Artist: Robin Thicke
Comment: I'm gonna be lost without you..
yes. you.
|
| It's me who's got the demons to wrestle now. |
[
February 17th, 2007 ï 10:31pm
] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
aggravated |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Song in my Head---Sherwood |
] |
Im fusterated.
& i had a good thing i was going to vent off of.
now i dont flippin remember it.
& that makes me even more fusterated.
wait! i found a little rant.
im tired of the high and mighty. too much confidence. & its doesnt even sound like confidence its sounds cocky. too cocky. you try to seem like YOUR the good person & that every thing i do is wrong.
But you can't even decide your own life. You cant even build your own confidence to think. & i know i cant fully blame you, based on the circumstances, but come on.
xsighx.
i think im done. i dont know what else to say.
'cept fuck it.
|
| With Pleasure. |
[
January 23rd, 2007 ï 11:43pm
] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 bored |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Regina Spektor---Sampson |
] |
I suppose my life is kind of off track.
i havent had time to be sad. i have to take care of everyone else. i dont think i should be sad...my life is pretty good none the less.
no matter what, i have my family. i have my theatre kids. i have ricky brown.
I mean, right now i thought of the things in my life and i got a little sad. but i stopped thinking about it. Or i'm trying.
I need to get my permit badly. badly.
Another thing i need badly? A job.
But im watching Andromeda[sp?] right now. It's pretty awesome. :D Sci-fi channel [&comedycentral] make me happy.
LOOK WHAT RICKARICK BOUGHT FOR ME. :D its a belated. <333
&& this is what i bought for him. LOL. total surprise.
Benchwarmers is still a good movie.
|
| suppose you never ever called. |
[
January 17th, 2007 ï 2:30pm
] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 sick |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Regina Spektor--Fidelity |
] |
i have the flu.
or so the prescription guy told me.
i took some theraflu & now my throat has opened up for the time being.
if i do sleep i'll probably wake up with a hurt throat again.
kimi has her test. i think she's passing right now. she hasnt called me back. which means it should be going well.
:) tut-tut. <--- i dont know why i said that.
haha colberttt reporttt..
he's silly. i'll always remember..."It's French, Bitch."
|
| *yawn/stretch* |
[
January 14th, 2007 ï 2:31am
] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 okay |
] |
ever since ricky brown, i always have a sniffly nose.
:( and now my throat hurts. like..really. i took a tropical halls but i think that made it worse. im tired. go_chan, i miss you darling. im sorry your life has been so hectic that we cant talk anymore. Mine has too. But i miss you freakazoid. :)
One of my friends, i realized that even though i no longer really want to stay their friend, i have too.
Because im scared for her and i get worried. I realize after all my ranting to jackstar, that unfourtunatly, i do love her and no matter how much of a idiot she becomes, i always will. So, either way, i have to remain friends with her because im scared of leaving her alone.
My i-pod is broke & that makes me sad. ='O
my sister just got me speakers..and now i cant use them. *sniff*
oh well. This post had a point. Sort of. Now i lost it, and im going to bed now. My back hurts.
(i'm a wreck all over.)
Night Livejournalians.
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