Wow.

A post.

I know i've been meaning to update more often, i just noticed Ryan logged into his so i thought, "huh. gotta update that sucker."

ANYWAY. I FINALLY GOT TO CALI! :D

It was awesome! I actually went to go to see my brother graduate from the Marine's in San Diego.
IT WAS SO CREEPY HE LOOKED LIKE ME! Color wise, lol, he calls it his "farmer's tan". now he knows a whole bunch of lingo i can hardly comprehend, and the bathroom's there are called the 'head'..which is so weird. I was expecting the 'John' or something along those lines.
I had fun scaring the BAJEZZUS out of A.White!! It was HIGHLARIOUS. I tripped on her front step and me and Jackie were giggling like CRAZY, when she opened the door and said that we were giggling like a bunch of baby pigs? more than usual, she thought i was Emily, lol when i jumped from behind Jacks and screamed "CAUSE OF ME SUCKAH!" See, in my head i thought she was going to say "Why are you so late Jackie? Geez." And i had my line all prepared, so that's what automatically came out.

Hah, then she screamed over and over again and i was afraid the baby was going to get upset. Then she hugged me and kept screaming. It was awesome. :D and a video is soon to come out of that awesome Trio + Emily filled sleepover.

And Kimi was harder to surprise because she kept telling Librado she had food poisoning and wouldn't go to Denny's like we planned, and eventually he had to tell her dad who made her go to Denny's. LAWL, she cried, it was awesome. TWINNESSSS.

But seeing my family, friends, and my brother graduate came out to be a good week. I can't wait till i go back again, and DEFINITELY with Ryan this time. :P


From Left to Right: Mawmaw, Michael/Mikey,Mommy,Kyree, Lailah, Me, and AJ

"BEST.SUPERBOWL.EVER!"
- Caleb & Kyle...repeatedly.



MY TUMMY IS GRUMBLING.

For shure.

Anyway, i'm anxiously awaiting my bridesmaid dress for aim-dizzle's wedding [lol what would she say to that nickname? I'm going to text that to her.] She bought the shoes yesterday SO SO CUTE.

I MEAN SO CUTE I WANT TO WEAR THEM BEFORE THE WEDDING!

But, i have to control myself and not do such...they don't fit anyway. I mean, probably because my feet were swollen from all the superbowl food and heat in the house, but if when i retry them on and they don't fit, i must take them back and get a bigger size. ;_; boo-hoo, i have big feet.
Weird thing is, it doesnt fit at the top part, but the back is really lose.

Eh, anyway, i hate looking for a job. But i need maybe something small time to hold me over. Like dog-walking. That's cool.

3 more days.

Comic/Image of the day:

"MAKE IT HAPPEN" by Kevin Lyles.. His favorite quote is "I am here to serve." He speaks on "Isms." Anything is possible is a Russell-ism... Shut up and let your work speak for you is a Lyor-ism... Those are Kevin's mentors, Russell Simmons and Lyor Cohen. Kevin's approach to life, and his personal Ism is "Live and learn." That's a Kevin-ism... I love that! Kevin did it ALL through service!!! His bestselling book says, to go up, we must always serve diligently... We must find a mentor, do the research, take notes, read... And last but certainly not least... OPEN YOUR MIND... The key to knowing more.. IS... Don't be a know it all! Serve and be open!

God is Love
Rev Run





Oh Pam, you know your stuff. ;) [regarding to the title of this entry]

WOW. Long time eh? I've been busy, been through personal up's and down's by life is good. :) i'm growing and i'm SO excited about that. Yesterday is the day that mark's my first full year in Florida. Isn't that crazy? It feels like it's only been maybe 6 months. I've been reading more personal, spiritual books lately. They have been helping me soooo much. I think i'm just rambling because i don't know what to say exactly, lol. Hm, well what's new?

I'm officially in love with ArJoe. [below]



*sigh* They are so cute, i wish they would just get together already! I've watched them in this show "It Started With a Kiss" and ISWAK 2: They Kiss Again. THEY BETTER MAKE A 3RD THAT'S ALL I'LL SAY. My little "me" time has been watching Asian Drama's. I'm currently on "The Prince Who Turns Into a Frog"



It's pretty good. Some parts are kind of slow and lagging, to me at least, and a little bit too soap-opera-ish, but i like it. :)

>< well, my camera has been out of commission for about a year, so i can't really show any new pictures of me and my room-mates. I live in a house of 8...=_= isn't that nuts?!

How has the economy been treating everyone? My contract job let me go, so i have no money rolling in. But if you'd like to help me, you can ask me about stuff that i'm selling. :D you would only have to buy one thing and it would help me out soooooooo much. <33333 I WOULD LOVE YOU FOREVER. And you get awesome stuff! Whoo-hoo! Just e-mail me at mysticalxkitty@gmail.com or call me if you have my number. ;)

But how has everyone been? Great i hope. Leave me comments letting me know! I'm trying to find time to update LJ more, and check my mysapce/facebook at least twice a week.

But i have to go pick up my mister now, so i guess i'll talk to you guys soon! :) Love you much much mas! <333 Ciao

WOAH.

How long has it been since i've made myself known to the human race on Myspace?
[lol, that Ryhmed]

I'm a loser i know, i'm out of touch with my Cali roots. Things are going good here, i'm with an AWESOME TERRIFFIC ON FIRE MAN'S MAN boyfriend. :) He is truly amazing and i thank god everyday for bringing him into my life [almost] 9 years ago, and turning him into one my best friends. Our friendship has been tested along the way, but i'm trying very hard to let go of certain mistakes ive made..although subtlety keeps popping up and annoying the mother father out of me, but i keep my cool as a good blackie should. :) I now live with 6 other people [it's not easy all the time, let me tell you] but god put these people in my life for a reason and i love them all. Amy has become a great great friend AND sister to me, she understands alot of where i come from, and is always there to kick me in the butt when i need it, and to help me realize i'm a pretty decent person when i don't feel like it. Working on that whole 'self-esteem' thing. You know, even though i'm a natural born theatre kid, i could only muster enough self esteem for a few nights.
Krissy has moved down here, it's been awesome, she's growing, it's taking her some time to adjust, but we get there sooner or later. She just got her car so she's pretty excited about that.

I know once i moved down here i was a little...stubborn. But i love being around a team of great people and i'm on fire...fireeeee...FIII-YAHHHHH! ;] i'm gobbling everything i can up and learning what not to say, and not to boast about anything, and brag about other people more than talk about myself. Myself isn't all that great. I'd rather talk about you. ;)

I'm trying to get over some things about myself, but it takes time.
I'm placing faith && love into my heart more than ever.

I have faith, i don't have a religion. So don't talk to be about religion, because it's too judgemental and kinda crap mostly. I've figured that out. I was afraid to be Christian because of the 'religion'. Not because i didn't love God and i didn't put my faith into him, but because of other's people's standards of what makes me 'christian' because of what they believe. If i have faith and God, that's all i need, because the rest will come in due time.

TO ALL MY CALI-FOR-NI-AYYY'S:
I miss you all dearly. I wish you were here with me to expiernce what i have and what i'm becoming. God is pushing me in the direction that i need to stay here a little longer, just don't konw how long. I wish i could be with you guys every single day of my life, but i can't right now, i think that is what is killing me the most. I'm happy, but i can tell you under the surface the pain of not being home, being with my TRIO, my Kimi, my Hubbs <33, My Banana, my Dark Alee, my Salem, my Kellye and Chantel, my Theatre kids of IHS and SC Theatre buddies...it really hurts. And i want you to know, i'm sorry if i don't get in contact that much. It's just that i'm trying to use what God gave me, and that doesn't leave much time for Myspace or Facebook. Just please, when i call or text or message...answer. I know i may seem flaky, but i'm really trying not to be. See these are my Goals:

-To get in contact with everyone i love
-To do it several times a week
-To give them as much information i can about everything that is going on and find out just as much.

Please forgive me everyone, some things consume you, and this has [and not in a bad way] and i'm just trying to find the balance.

I love you all. :) Please send me a message or text or anything, i would love it.
It would help me out so much.

But on another topic, what have you been doing lately? :) Always changing lives i know...you are amazing. Don't forget that. But anything really major happening?

I think we got it wrong.

Well, 2 going on 3 months here in the good ol sunshine state. Everything has been pretty rocky. I think once i start this job [which i got a MONTH ago..] everything will be ok. I know it will, it's pretty much logic on my part. Once i get money, and the chance to interact with people i will feel so much more myself. I will have much more responsibility and will to get things done.

I don't think he understands that the reason i don't get up at 7:00 in the morning, is that there is no reason or drive too. I mean, if you knew you just were going to wake up in the morning to a day of cleaning and making food by yourself, would you really want to get up until you felt like it? Also, i have no car, no understanding of the bus system, and i don't know where the heck i'm going. Even if i did, where would i want to go? Somewhere else where i don't know anyone? I think it's hard for him to understand, because he thinks he knows everything so anything that's the opposite of what he knows, is unfathomable.

I just want to bad to grow and travel and experience things for myself. I want to prove to myself and to everyone i know that i can do this, because i know i can. It just starts with this job. And i can't start until i have my diploma ( i JUST figured out..), so i'm waiting for that. But i just want everything to not be so HECTIC as it is right now, to not feel guilty over something that i'm trying so hard to achieve.

Things will come in due time. Everything will be well.
I know. :)

In Orlando.
TAA-DA!

This past month has been...something. Not in a bad way! I just haven't been as active as i wish, i haven't been able to try out the theatres...My life basically depends on me getting a job right now. And if i don't in 3 months...well it's back to Cali for me.

This sucks. I moved, gave up my life where everything i wanted was, just to find out if i don't bring in the dough in 3 months, i'm out on my ass. It just puts pressure on me..i mean, i'm really trying to find a job right now and the last time i was on a job hunt it took me 3 months to get one! But i mean, what if i fail? What if i need that one extra month to get the right job? I could have had a job. A really really crappy one, but i would have had it. They wanted to pay me $8.00 at this office [a branch of my job at TA] when i got paid $10.00 when i left, and i was a supervisor. And btw, when i started that job 7 months ago, i got paid $8.75.

SUCKAH PLEASE. :\

But whatev, if this doesn't work at the end of 3 months, i'll just try for that job. Even though i hate being a recruiter. IT SUCKS SO BAD.

Anywayyy, that's my deal. I felt really horrible and pressured and betrayed at the beginning of this post....i feel like i'm losing HIM. My best friend. Not in a bad way, but not in a good way either...but i feel better. I know i can get a job soon. I have more to say, but i'll post lataaaas.


PEACE MY LOVERS.

Long day.
I'm eating the other half of my bagel... i saved it for lunch. yayyyy.
it's gone now. :(
Don't worry, i starve myself for a good cause.
..and because my bank account still won't let me get to my damn money.
arghhh.
Well, danny is back in town && it sucks. Whenever he's around me and laughing or talking it just makes me think && i get depressed and i hate him all over again.
I don't think i could ever really HATE him, but i loath the presense he brings.
&& i miss my baby. :( it really sucks not having him here whenever someone or something brings me down. But when ever i talk to him, he always makes me feel better.
& i can't help but laugh. <33
soooo yeah, i have an awesome best friend...slash boyfriend. slash dork-tard.
Ninja bastard who is sshmexy.
xD
these last 4 days are going to be jam-packed with emotions a-ragin, i'm tellin you.
especially monday.
i know my sister/dad are going to grill me really bad.
& it's gonna suck, because i know i'm going to end up crying out of fusteration at the dinner table.

Anyway, i have to get back to work.
Peacers. :]

Today was a bad day.
A really bad day.
I haven't cried like that in a lonnng time.
I can't believe how much of a failure i am.
I'm not a good girlfriend.
I'm not a good friend.
I'm not really good at anything.
I feel like Noriko from From Far Away. She feels useless and feels like she can't do anything right, but she tries, even with little things.
But i feel like even the little things i do aren't noticed.
Their useless, just like me.
I just wish...
I wish i was a better person. I wish i wasn't the bitch i appear to be. I wish he could actually understand where i'm coming from. I wish he knew that i'm fragile, but i'm trying so hard to be strong. I wish he knew that i do listen to him when he tries to explain to me what he thinks i should do. I wish he would listen to me. i wish he wouldn't force his theory's and standings down my throat. I wish he could see from my point of view and understand i can't take away the concern for the people i love. I can't abandon what i know, what i always automatically do. I can't not stick up for people i love. I can't be ordered around.

Maybe i should be submissive.
Maybe i should do whatever the fuck he wants. Not have a care or feeling in my body about anybody or anything.
Because that's what your practically asking of me. To fuck everyone else over.

I don't want to turn into Krissy or Gen. I want you to love me like you say you do.
I don't want to fuck and fight. I want be a good girlfriend to you, not just a face from the past.
I want to love you right. Like i always have & always will.
I want to be the one you want to stick around. I want you to want to keep me. I want you to want to never leave me.
I don't want to be another notch on your bedpost.
I know you're falling out of love with me. You're starting to hate who i am.
I hate who i am, why did i try and convince myself you wouldn't do the same?

I've been lying to myself.
You've been lying to me.
Why did i try and think i could actually make you stick around? Why did i think you actually wanted me?

I'm losing you and it's killing me, more then anything else ever has.
You keep building me up, making me believe i'm a good person and that i'm a good girlfriend to you, but then those words that begin your every crushing scentence.. " maybe we shouldn't.." kills every good feeling i ever had about myself.
About you loving me.
Completely demolished.

I want to take care of you. I want you to trust me. I want to stop hurting you.
But in order for me to do that, your asking me to hurt other people around me.
To hurt my other best friend.
And you don't understand how torn i am.
I love you so much, you'll never know.

I don't know what to do. 
I can't give you up.
You're one of the greatest things that has happened to me.

Please don't let me turn into Gen or Krissy.
I want to be better then them.
I want you to love me more then you ever loved them, that's selfish i know & that's asking for alot.
i mean, alot, considering who I am.
But i can't force you to love who i am.
I can only work on myself.

I should be submissive. I should shut my mouth, bow my head, and follow orders.

I'm sorry.
I wish i knew how to fix me.
I know i'm going to lose you.
and that sucks.
that fucking sucks.

I hate me.

if you ran to the end of the earth
i would catch you and you would be safe
if you fell down the well
i would bring you a rope and take all the pain

all the pain, all the pain
that you hide from me everyday

if youre missing i will run away
i will build a path to you
if you're missing i will run away
because I find myself in you

if i woke up alone i won't stop till i'll find you and you are with me
cause by now, i know you better than you know yourself
and i know what you really need
what you need, or i need
but either way this is where you should be
here with me, or ill bleed so much that you wont believe

if you're missing i will run away
i will build a path to you
if you're missing i will run away
because I find myself in you

you better not, you better not run
you better not, you better not run

if you're missing i will run away
i will build a path to you
if you're missing i will run away
i will find you
i will find you
i will find you

-------------------
Please run
Please run
Please run away with me

Please come
Please come
Please come and stay with me

I don't know what to do if
once more I lose you.
It would tear me in two
if you should go right now.
If you should go right now..
If you should go right now. .


Please run
Please run
Please run away with me

Please come
Please come
Please come and stay with me

I don't know what to do if
once more I lost you.
It would tear me in two
if you should go right now.
[I slit this cut and the black expanded the sky]
if you should go right now.
[The light bleeds out before my jaded eyes.]
if you should go right now...


[you'll be safer with us. <3 run away with me.]

In the office.
This past week has been crazy chock full of high-strung emotions.
So, in case you didn't know...
I'm moving.
Soon.

The more i think about the due date the more I think about all the people I love, and what boring little San Jose has brought me.

& it's suddenly hitting me i'm actually leaving and i can't just hang out and crash at my friend's house for months and have the option of just going home.

I'm going to be starting new.
I'm going somewhere where hardly anyone knows me.
I'll have to time to work on 'me'.

& that is the most exciting thing.
Then again, that is some really scary shit.

So, in conclusion of this chapter of my story..
if you want to hang out with me before i leave,
i would love it. <3